Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “How To Get That Christian Brother To Propose To You”.
If you were wondering, I designed this. This is not the book’s cover. You know damn well that the people who write books like this never put much thought into their covers.
The book’s very first paragraph threw me off by claiming that every spinster’s ultimate desire is to settle down with the right man and have a peaceful and love-filled marriage. Now, that’s not a bad thing to want – no one gets married secretly hoping to spend the rest of their lives reenacting the plot of Marriage Story. But are we sure that finding a husband is EVERY spinster’s ultimate desire?
It’s 2020. Get with the times, sis.
After this, the author gets right to business by listing the 7 qualities women need to have to attract good, eligible Christian bachelors.
1) Be Decent: If you think the author used this point to slut-shame women for dressing how they want, you’re absolutely right. “Dress the way you want to be addressed”, is how he starts. “Some ladies think it’s by dressing half-naked and seducing men by wearing tight skirt, spaghetti, bomber skirt, women trouser, exposing laps, armpit, painting and makes-up. All this will do is make men want to sleep with you.”
WHO are the people going incognito just to google pictures of armpits?? I NEED ANSWERS???
2) Be Friendly To All: The author says you have to be approachable. Like a TV game show host on crack, you have to be constantly happy and excited so everyone finds it easy to get along with you. Always wear a smile so wide, the Cheshire Cat would be creeped out if he saw you.
3) Be Hardworking: If you think this is about having a hustle or something, you’re wrong. And it’s because you’ve forgotten that this book was written to give women advice. The “be hardworking” here refers to “knowing how to put your house in order; learn how to cook, knowing how to take care of your home without instruction.“
Just hope you don’t end up like the girl in this story:
4) Be Respectful: The truth is that no one wants to marry a person who’s rude so I can’t even make fun of this point. Here’s a funny GIF that’s appropriate to use here.
Spinsters: “WHY HAVE WE FOUND HUSBANDS YET?! WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?!!”
5) Have The Fear of God:
According to the author, you have to commit your entire life to God by being spiritual and making yourself available for all weekly church services and night vigils. Why? Because you never know who is secretly observing your spiritual life.
6) Be Natural: If you think this is about being yourself in – terms of behaviour – so that your potential spouse can love you just the way you are, you’re wrong. (Because point no.2 already demands that you constantly be more excited than Jimmy Fallon on laughing gas to be desirable.) This is about steering clear of artificial beauty methods (makeup, weaves, etc) because “they’re evil and unnecessary and because men prefer natural women.”
If you’re wondering what’s so evil about makeup and artificial hair, check out this recap I wrote of a book that talks about the spiritual origin of wigs & weaves.
7) Be good at communication: You have to read this one for yourselves so here’s a screenshot:
All I got from this is that to attract good men, you quite literally have to be a clown. (Entertaining people??) Also, the rumours are true. I have been fixing the author’s grammar (COMMUNICABLE?!) this entire time so you guys don’t lose your minds the way I almost did while reading it.
I don’t know about this one, you guys. While Ursula is singing “Poor Unfortunate Souls” in The Little Mermaid, she says this:
Granted, she was trying to get Ariel to give up her voice at the time. But I would much rather take dating advice from an animated half-human, half-octopus, sea witch than from the lunatic who wrote this book.
Pssssssst! If this article made you laugh (or even let out a breathy chuckle), do the Lord’s work by sharing with your friends or whoever you think is in need of a laugh (or a breathy chuckle).
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
If you’re wondering what’s so evil about makeup and artificial hair, check out this recap I wrote of a book that talks about the spiritual origin of wigs & weaves. It’s one hell of a batshit story.