The Spiritual Implications Of Using Contraceptives According To This Insane Book

April 10, 2020

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Contraceptive: A Sin In Family Planning And Birth Control?”.

The (nameless) author starts by talking about how many of his brethren keep asking him if popular contraceptives are sinful and if so, what other good, Christian options are available so they don’t end up having an unreasonable amount of children. He goes on to say that the answer he gives always leaves them unsatisfied. This is when I realized that the question mark at the end of this book’s title is a scam.

The author reminisces about the first time a beloved brother asked him about contraceptives and how distraught the brother was when he got an answer he didn’t expect. He talks about the question the brother fought back with, “So are you saying we should give birth to dozens of kids without any planning whatsoever??” and that the conversation followed. A conversation that I hope made the brother walk away because he finally realized that he was talking to a mad person.

Author: “Is God not worthy of closing the womb of your wife instead of using contraceptive?”

Brother: “What if God delays in such answers and my wife becomes pregnant after sexual intercourse?”

Author: “My beloved that means you are faithless because he that must come unto God must believe and have faith that God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

As proof that he’s not yarning okoto, he says that he’s going to back up his side of the argument with proof gotten from years of scriptural research but immediately starts another storytime about the time he attended some church’s youth conference program. My eyes glazed over at this point and I considered giving up on the book. I’m glad I didn’t, though, because this particular story contained something I didn’t see coming.

It contained the most ambitious crossover event since Avengers: Endgame.

As the second entry in the “So You Don’t Have To series, I recapped a book written by a 17-year-old boy named Chijioke Onughu. In this book, Chijioke claims to have worked in the kingdom of darkness for 150 years, which means that his servitude began 137 years before he was physically born. Chijioke’s original confession happened back in 2016 at a church’s youth conference program.

That same youth conference is where the author of today’s book got this piping hot supernatural tea.

Am I the only one that imagined a sweatshop in hell full of demon…minorities mass-producing condoms at an alarming rate?

Impotently demonize??

Satan & Co Enterprises

Before I could wrap my head around the odds of the author actually being present for Chijioke’s original confession, he came through with another crossover by quoting Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo, the woman who claims to have interned in hell for 990 years.

There’s a small bit about Onan, a minor biblical character who’s most known for being the pioneer of the pullout method. The author says his initial interpretation of Onan’s story was that God killed him for his refusing to procreate, not his use of the pullout method. However, it’s become clear to him now that God’s anger was caused by Onan’s disregard for God’s command for humans to be fruitful and multiply.

You know what? Here’s the full explanation because I don’t even understand how he arrived at his main takeaway from the story.

How did he take this to mean that God hates all forms of birth control?

He follows this up with this picture:

woman deliver 11 children

Like this is a thing anyone would want.

He goes on to say that because everyone who is born is part of God’s plan, intentionally stopping conception or aborting a fetus is you messing with God’s Lego city, and that is a terrible sin. Why does the author say everyone is part of God’s plan? Because of Jeremiah 1:5, where God tells Jeremiah this:

Jeremiah 1:5 - “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, be...

I think he was talking about Jeremiah specifically but that’s just me, I guess.

To further terrify people using the supposed spiritual dangers of birth control, here’s a story the author pulled out of his ass.

Apart from the fact that pills just don’t end up in the bloodstream whole, I know this story is a lie because I reversed image-searched the photo and it led me to a 2016 article about a Ugandan woman named Nnaalongo who died in Guangzhou, China after battling a mystery illness for 3 weeks.

If you’ve made it this far and you’re wondering if the author is implying that sex should only be had when procreation is the desired endgame by both parties involved, you’re not alone. However, he makes it clear that this is not what he’s implying by explaining Natural Family Planning, the birth control method every Christian couple must use.

I would post screenshots of his explanation but his grammar skills make the entire thing sound like gibberish. So here are screenshots of an explanation offered by the good folks at familydoctor.org.

No disrespect to the people who actually do this but this is fucking insane. Life is stressful enough. No one wants to have to study a chart and check the shape of the moon before a genital bump session. I’m just a human trying to have sex with my spouse, who is also a human. Not a werewolf.


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Click here to read the recap I wrote for Chijioke Onughu’s book. It chronicles all the things he experienced serving in hell for 150 years as Satan’s right-hand man. Believe me, this is an origin story you do not want to miss.


What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

April 30, 2020

First, we asked you to identify the capitals of all 54 African countries, and you guys killed it. Then, we asked you to identify those same countries by their flags alone, and you struggled a bit. Then, we gave you the toughest one yet: matching African countries to their currencies. Now, we are back with presidents of African countries […]

April 29, 2020

Ladies, see our lives on these streets… Just two months ago, we were the cream of the crop, nails done, hair done, everything did. Getting bi-weekly pedicures,waxes and deep conditioning treatments was such a given, the idea that it would be taken away from us seemed almost laughable, and yet, again: We spoke to 6 […]

Recommended Quizzes

common entrance questions
April 15, 2020

For unknown reasons, we gathered very real Common Entrance past questions to see if you’re smarter than the average JSS 1 student. There are 10 English questions, 5 Science questions, 5 Social Studies questions and 10 Mathematics questions in this quiz. Show yourself: Here are more quizzes you might like: QUIZ: Do You Know African […]

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding:

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
April 9, 2019
HER is a bite-sized show that focuses on girls and women across Africa with interesting and inspiring stories.
April 8, 2019
Zikoko Creators highlights dope people, doing and creating great things that make a difference.
April 8, 2019
UNDERGROUND is a performance series showcasing emerging musicians we believe you should pay attention to.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X