Sex Life: How An Affair Ruined My Marriage

December 12, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 43-year-old heterosexual man who had a three-year affair that ended his marriage. He talks about the woman being his soulmate and why he doesn’t want his wife back.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was six or seven, and it was with a 13-year-old family friend. I was on holiday at my grandma’s house, and we were playing “husband and wife”. We’d been playing that game for years, but this time, she started touching and kissing me. 

I didn’t understand what we were doing, but she seemed to enjoy it so much that it made me curious. So, I tried it with her cousin, and we ended up fooling around for the rest of the holiday. She was my first unofficial girlfriend. 

What happened when you returned home?

I started exploring more. I made out with a lot of girls, but it never went beyond that. I grew up in a very religious home, and penetrative sex was framed as the worst possible sin. I was too terrified to cross that line.

When did you finally cross that line?

When I got into university. I failed WAEC a couple of times, so I was around 23.

How was it?

I don’t think I lasted more than five minutes, but it was great for me. The babe was really beautiful, and while I don’t think the sex was as nice for her, she seemed genuinely proud of herself when she realised she was my first.

Did you feel any religious guilt?

Strangely enough, I didn’t. I guess I was too euphoric to care.

Fair enough. What happened after your first time?

The babe and I became a pair, but we decided to end things after four months. We were both in relationships with other people and were becoming too consumed with each other. My actual girlfriend and I weren’t having sex, but we had plans to get married. 

Wait. What? You had a girlfriend?

Yes, I did. She was my first love. We belonged to the same church, so our relationship mostly involved dates with chaperones, group hangouts and zero sex until marriage. Sure, we stole the occasional kiss, but we were not allowed to be intimate.

So, you were cheating on her?

I was. It happened a couple more times with other women — sex was just too sweet for me to stop. Thankfully, we eventually started having sex, so the cheating stopped. We were together for six years before we broke up. 

My sisters haven’t forgiven me for not marrying her. They are still friends.

Why did it end?

We had many issues, from family pushback to poor communication, but the main problem started when she cheated on me. I caught her, we spoke about it and we agreed to move on. Well, as it turns out, she didn’t move on.

She went for NYSC in Calabar, and when I went to surprise her, her neigbour stopped me at her door and told me she was busy. When I told him I was her boyfriend, the guy looked at me with pity and told me she was inside fucking someone else. 

I left, but I was still willing to forgive her — I didn’t want to lose her. I asked her to come to my house in Lagos; she didn’t. After a while, I went back to Calabar to see her, and while I was there, another man came over and she refused to see me off.

Oh wow. 

See ehn, I was hurt. Anyway, I got home, cried for a few days and decided we were done. A couple of months later, she came with my sister to apologise, but I had already mentally checked out.

It wasn’t even the cheating that bothered me, it was how flippant she was about it.

What did you do after the breakup?

A friend advised me to use my newfound freedom to have as much sex as I could.

Did you take his advice?

Not immediately. I grieved the relationship for almost two years. After I moved on, I took my friend’s advice. For five years, I went on a sex spree. Then when I turned 35, I decided to get married.

How did you meet your wife?

She’s someone I have always known; our families were quite close. She had also been in love with me for as long as I could remember, so, at the time, it just made sense for us to get married. 

Did you love her too?

Not really. I was fond of her though.

Ah. What about the sex?

It was interesting. She was a virgin when we married, so there was an experience gap. Thankfully, she was easy to teach. The sex was amazing, and we did it almost every day for the first three years of our marriage.

Then we started having some issues, and the sex kept slowing down until we went two whole years without even touching each other. We are currently separated — we were married for seven years. 

I’m sorry. 

Don’t be. 

What were the issues?

I had an affair with a friend of hers. After about three years, I decided to come clean and become a proper husband to her. All hell broke loose when I told her, and she moved out of the house. 

She eventually came back, we had a child, and then she left for good.

Why did you have an affair?

I found my soulmate. She was having issues with her business, and my wife told me to help her out with strategy. The more time we spent together, the closer we got. She was there for me in ways my wife wasn’t. 

The thing is, my wife wasn’t the one who first introduced me to her. We had a fling years before we both got married, but it wasn’t serious. Obviously, my wife didn’t know any of this when she told us to work together. 

Oh? She was married too?

Yes, she still is. At the time, I felt bad about doing that to her husband, but we just knew we were meant for each other. So, the initial plan was to tell our spouses the truth so we could run away together.

Why did the plan change?

She had a change of heart. She had a daughter that we both thought was mine, but after a DNA test proved it was her husband’s, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. There were a bunch of other reasons, but that was the main one. 

She didn’t know how to tell me about her decision, but I figured it out. I told her to stay and try to make do with the situation. That’s when I decided to come clean to my wife and try to make our relationship work.

This was when all hell broke loose, yeah?

Yup. Before moving out, she called the woman’s husband and her family. It was a mess. 

Damn. Have you seen the woman since then?

We didn’t speak for about a year, but after my wife left the second time, she reached out to say she felt bad about how everything turned out. So, we talk from time to time, and we’ve seen each other once or twice.

Do you still feel the same way about her?

Of course, I do. We both do. We’ve had sex once since everything happened, but I told her we can’t do it again. It’s just too hard. She feels she made a mistake staying with her husband, but unfortunately, nothing can be done about that. 

Do you miss your wife?

No, I don’t. My wife’s character was always an issue for me. She was obsessed with performing for social media, and I found that grating. She was also constantly telling our business to her family and church members. I just couldn’t stand it. 

It was easy to accept our separation because it felt like a burden was being lifted.

So, what’s your sex life like as a separated man in his 40s?

I’m focused on my career right now, so my sex life is basically non-existent. 

What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it a six. I really enjoy sex, but I’m not exactly adventurous. I don’t do threesomes or things like that. As long as my partner is having a good time, I’m happy. So, yeah, I’ll give it a strong six.



Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

NerdEfiko

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

July 31, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. TW: Sexual Abuse. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who talks about hating condoms and how all that changed after an STD and two pregnancies.   What was your […]

July 31, 2021

Truth or Dare can be a fun game to play whether you’re hanging in with friends or you’re playing drinking games. However, it can get old really quick if you don’t have the right questions or dare. So we put together a couple of truth or dare questions to ask a guy at the next […]

July 30, 2021

We know salary week is your favourite time of the month. But will that money get you through the month until the next paycheck comes in? Let’s see. 1. You get paid on the 25th of the month Why is this a problem? You will lose your guard. You too, stop and think about it: money […]

July 30, 2021

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji* So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you. It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

October 30, 2019

Kemi Adetiba’s King of Boys movie got a lot of things right, especially casting, so yes, it was a monster hit. Now, we know you may not have put much thought to this, but the personalities of some of the characters closely match yours, and we would like to help you find the perfect match. […]

More from Ships

July 31, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. TW: Sexual Abuse. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who talks about hating condoms and how all that changed after an STD and two pregnancies.   What was your […]

July 29, 2021

Ending a relationship is not always an easy thing to do, which is why you have to do it right. There are easy ways to break up with someone without hurting your feelings in the process. Here are some of the ways. 1. Leave the country. Leaving the country is the best coping mechanism after […]

Zikoko love life: best friends to lovers image
July 29, 2021

Teslim*, 28, and Chibuzo*, 29 dated for four years and have been married for three. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from secondary school best friends to lovers, starting their tech careers together and how they struggled with long distances before marriage. What’s your earliest memory of each other? Chibuzo: My earliest memory […]

Sex Life
July 24, 2021

Whether you’ve been reading Zikoko Sex Life for two years or you’re reading it for the first time today, here are some stories you must enjoy at least twice. 1. Awakening My Bisexuality At 27 I remember when we were making out, it was so intense that I suddenly felt the urge to tell this […]

July 22, 2021

It started with this tweet. Someone didn’t think this was necessary. But the rest of you were like: Here we go. P.S: This is not dating advice 🙂 1. Sounds fair, no? 2. What is yours is ours 3. I hear you. I hear you. 4. And they say the complete package doesn’t exist 5. […]

July 19, 2021

Not everyone hates their exes, some people still have fond memories of the ones who got away. Sometimes, relationships don’t work for reasons beyond our control and some people still hold their exes dear to them. Here are what some people have to say about their favourite ex: David, 35 I have known her since […]

July 19, 2021

Dating your coworker can be tricky because if it ends in tears, you might end up jobless. Here’s a guide to making sure that doesn’t happen to you.  1.Check if they wear a ring often It is one thing to date a coworker and another thing to date someone else’s partner. If their relationship is […]

July 17, 2021

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman. She talks about how her first sexual relationship ended in shame because her partner spread gossip about the sex and how her fear of being tagged promiscuous prevented her from having sex with the men in her social circle. What was your first sexual experience? […]

Love life image with a lesbian couple
July 15, 2021

Ella, 23, and Adaora, 21 have been dating for eleven months. Today on Love Life, they talk about navigating a relationship after Adaora ran away from home, learning how to set boundaries and their future plans for each other.   What is your earliest memory of each other?  Adaora: My first memory was when we first […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X